sleep fixed!!!

lately i've fixed my sleep schedule and i've been able to sleep better. i'm waking up around 7～8am and going to bed at 10～11 pm. honestly, i don't feel like it made any big changes in my routine since i still don't go out much, but at least now i have more energy during the day. yesterday i tried sitting at my desk since i don't usually do that, i mostly use my laptop while laying in bed, but it was actually pretty comfy and i think i'll start sitting there more often. the only issue was lana kept walking all over the keyboard and stepping on the keys, she wouldn't let me do or see anything, but she's forgiven because she's just a baby looking for attention. right now she's sleeping on my pillow and she looks super comfy (￣ω￣) i also had coffee in my favorite mug:


today i woke up early again and it's really cold. my usual breakfast lately has been hot green tea and some fruit. i also have to take care of my little brother a few days a week, like today, but it's not really a hard task since he's pretty calm. i was supposed to go out today because my dad asked me yesterday to deliver something for him, and the idea of going out alone was terrifying... but luckily i didn't have to go because i had to take care of my brother. 

my brain hurts!!!!!!

i woke up kinda early today and i've had a migraine since yesterday. i hate it, but it's pretty normal for me. i've had migraines for years and it's honestly hell, i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i took paracetamol but it never works, the only solution is taking something stronger and i don't have any right now.

but anyway, aside from that, on saturday i finally left the house after many days. i went to the mall with my grandma and my brother, and we played at family park (a small amusement park). i had a really good time! after playing, we went to get ice cream (yay) and then we headed home. we got back around 7 pm and i hadn't slept since midnight the night before, so yeah, i was up for a lot of hours and completely exhausted. i went to bed and fell asleep immediately. the bad part is, i woke up a few hours later and couldn't fall asleep again, so i ended up staying awake until the next day. again.

yesterday i helped my dad with some stuff and by the afternoon i was feeling super drained, so i laid down and took a nap. i woke up during the night and fell asleep again until i woke up today at 5 am. i don't know if i'll be able to stay awake during the day, i've been feeling really bad from the migraine and i'm nauseous. my dad gave me some candy and it's the only thing that made me feel a little better :( obviously it didn't fix anything, but at least they taste good.

it's already june and as winter gets closer, lana just wants to curl up with me and stay warm. every time she curls up she looks like a cinnamon roll that purrs. my room is especially cold since the sun doesn't hit my window, so having her with me is like having a tiny heater every time i go to bed. i love her so much!!

ghhhgg

i've been thinking about how the pandemic affected me in many ways. one of the most noticeable ones is my poor social skills. i've always been a little shy, but i'm really bad at talking. even so, i enjoy meeting new people and making friends, even if there's always this little fear that they'll think i'm boring and i don't know what to talk about. but despite that, i've managed. i've made some friends lately and they're actually really cool.

i also tend to feel kinda stuck in time. i know it sounds weird, but sometimes i feel like even though i'm practically an adult, i don't really feel like one. maybe it happens to a lot of people and i'm not the only one who feels this way. i don't know if it's just something personal or also a side effect of the pandemic. i have some old journals from 2020 to 2022 and every time i read them, i realize i was really struggling, mostly because of the lockdown and family issues. i still have problems at home, and i think that's one of the main reasons why i really want to move out soon.

today i fell asleep around noon and woke up at like 7 pm. yeah my sleep schedule is fucked up, but i don't really mind the night life. obviously it's a terrible habit, but i don't have any sleeping meds at the moment and i need to get back on treatment. some things i've been doing these days: i wake up, turn on my computer, sometimes edit my blog a bit, watch youtube videos about asian cooking (i rarely cook), make tea, and sometimes voice chat with my friends on discord. then the hours pass and i end up staying up until the next morning. not a very productive routine, especially for a 19 year old.

truth is, starting change is really hard for me. people often tell me i should take the initiative and change my habits, and they're right. but it's always been hard. not because i don't want to change things, but because it just doesn't come easy to me. i know i need help. sometimes even going to the grocery store is difficult. i'll be going back to therapy soon.

but changing the subject a bit, i'm happy i'm being consistent with this. i've been putting a lot of effort and love into the blog, and honestly, it's looking really cute (ʃƪᵕωᵕ) i want to have a way to document not just my life, but also my growth. i'll try to keep writing regularly about whatever comes to mind.

poem 1: fleur de lune (ipomée)

te proyectas invisible ante el mundo

tus ojos sollozos queriendo estallar

esa mirada perdida, que no habla

te ahogas en tu propia vida

en tu vida tonta y efímera

en un vestido blanco dando vueltas

queriendo saber, solo saber

porque no tienes idea de nada

la noche te abraza, como siempre

y solo lloras, para reconfortarte

¿y el dolor para qué? 

piensas, impaciente

recordando tus razones

sintiéndote inmunda

socialmente extraña

mientras en el frío exterior

los pájaros están saliendo a cantar

y sabes que es la hora de marchitarse

y vuelves a pensar

ojalá solo pudiera morir momentáneamente

y vivir mi perfecta fantasía

life so far

i'd like to talk a little more about me this time and let you get to know me better.

i had internet access from a very early age. my dad gave me a netbook when i was like 7 years old, and i remember using it to play pet society on facebook, watch a lot of youtube videos, play games on friv, draw in paint, and take photos on webcamtoy. i also liked memes, even though i didn't understand them because i was too young. i remember watching happy tree friends for hours, and also pony.mov (i was a huge fan of my little pony back then—and i still am). i loved the internet. when i was in 2nd grade, i had no friends and was really weird and problematic, so the internet became my safe place.

when i changed school, i finally made some friends. i was still kinda weird and problematic, but at least i had friends. i spent most of my youth in that school. skipping ahead a bit to when i was 11, i had my first real encounter with music. i discovered gorillaz and they quickly became my favorite band. the way i found them is kinda funny: i was playing transformice with a school friend, and one of her friends played 19-2000 and DARE in the game's music player. i was instantly fascinated. i got obsessed real fast and started drawing the characters all the time. at school, i loved drawing and make comics with my friends. even if they were kinda crappy, it was great. i spent so much time creating and drawing ocs with my friends. good times!!!!!! 

i was one of those kids who used amino and liked roleplaying, but honestly, i was pretty happy with that.

i've always lived in a messy household, and all of those things were my distractions—but maybe i'll go deeper into that in another post.

when i started high school is when things really started going downhill. see, when i turned 14, the pandemic hit, and it really messed me up—like it did for most people ig. at first, i distracted myself by talking and playing with my internet friends or drawing on my tablet (which actually worked back then), but as time passed, i started getting depressed and neglected myself a lot. i had a boyfriend during that time, and even though he lived nearby, i barely saw him because of quarantine. we broke up not long after school started again.

in 2022, i hit the lowest point in my life. when i went back to school, i met a guy who liked me, and i started liking him too. we had a relationship, but it was the worst one i've ever had. i won't go into all the details because it's long and messy. when we broke up, i was devastated. i hit rock bottom. i stopped going to school and ended up losing a whole year. during those months away from school, i went back to spending all my time on the internet because i didn't have many friends and i didn't like talking about my problems. it was a really dark time.

when i changed to a new school in 2023, things started to look up. i made new friends quickly, enjoyed going to class, and got more into makeup and developing my own style. but mentally, i still wasn't okay. the breakup still hurt, and i kept thinking about that person. eventually, i had a breakdown. it got so bad i ended up in the hospital. i had to rest for a few days before going back to school, starting therapy, and taking meds.

fast forward a bit to 2024, and things started going wrong again. i began skipping school a lot because i had no motivation and terrible habits. that year, i met a guy and had a more stable relationship. i dropped out of school again, but this time at least i had him to support me. we lived together for a couple of months. he let me stay at his place and i was really grateful for that. but when the relationship ended, i went back home again. obviously, a lot happened in between too, but i don't really want to get into that now. i managed to pass the exams to graduate and also took the ones to get into university.

this year, i started art school at uni, but guess what!! i dropped out again. i only lasted a few months, and even though i really liked it, i felt like i wasn't good enough yet. i decided i need time to figure out what i really want to do. but i'm taking it easy. 

so yeah, those are some of the things that have happened in my life. maybe i'll write more about certain parts later, but that's it for now. i really want some cinnamon tea right now......

oh!! and i have some really cool internet friends at the moment, had to mention that.

rainy day ♪

today i woke up at 4:30 pm and the first thing i saw when i opened my eyes was lana lying on my chest. i'm from the southern hemisphere and it's autumn here so it's pretty cold rn and she likes to keep warm by my side (￣ω￣)
i didn't really do anything today besides being in my computer and talking to my friends online. i got too hyped editing my blog so i was all day coding and trying to make it look pretty!! today was a rainy day and when i got up i took this photo from the window of my dad's bedroom:

i like rainy days. june is coming and i'm thinking about go to this japanese cafe and drink hot matcha latte, eat mochi and dorayaki. the first time i tried the sweet red bean paste i didn't like it and i took the dorayaki in a little bag to eat it later. but at soon as i tried it again i definitely loved it. i don't really know what change but now i always think about eating dorayaki again. they're soft and sweet..... i'd also like to try japanese cheesecake someday. whenever i'm in a bad mood i just need a sweet treat and then i'm fine again. some of my favourites are: lemon pie, cheesecake, cinnamon rolls, vanilla ice cream, blueberry muffins.

talking about june, i cant get this song of my head. and is funny because in the song video is summer and here we're getting close to winter but anyway i love it (ﾐ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﻌ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﾐ)

first

first of all, english is not my native language so if I make any mistake or anything sounds weird is bc of that, but ill try to write mostly in english because id like to improve, well making that clear ill begin giving some info about me

im emi, 19 years old, female, native spanish speaker, average height, short hair, love cats, love tea, love desserts. 

thats pretty much about me. 

the idea of writing a digital journal started bc I always wanted to write a journal (by hand, yk) but anytime I tried I just gave up like im never consistent in anything I do. but I think digitally is different bc it is obviously faster to write and I can do it everytime im on the phone or the computer. also I always panic when I have to interact with someone in english so I have to get over that. I like to express myself in any way. I like to write. sometimes I write poetry and maybe ill post some of that here. I have a cat, you can see her in my pfp, her name is Lana and I love her.

these days ive been having horrible sleep habits, thats why im writing this at 4 am. ive been sleeping at 6 - 7 am and waking up at 5 - 6 pm. I recently dropped out of college so yeah you could imagine how ive been feeling. I couldn't even complete a semester. ive always struggled with my motivation, depression, anxiety and stuff like the mayority of people at least at my country where mental health is BAD. but anyways ive been through this before two times in highschool so ive had to graduate with exams and studyng at home. it felt shitty at the moment bc I couldn't graduate with my friends and going to prom and all that stuff you supposed to live once in a lifetime. also I dont go out too much so ill probably stay at my room everyday until I feel like im health and clear enough to come back to college again. meanwhile, im gonna try to keep writing about me and my life.

ฅ ฅ