ghhhgg

i've been thinking about how the pandemic affected me in many ways. one of the most noticeable ones is my poor social skills. i've always been a little shy, but i'm really bad at talking. even so, i enjoy meeting new people and making friends, even if there's always this little fear that they'll think i'm boring and i don't know what to talk about. but despite that, i've managed. i've made some friends lately and they're actually really cool.

i also tend to feel kinda stuck in time. i know it sounds weird, but sometimes i feel like even though i'm practically an adult, i don't really feel like one. maybe it happens to a lot of people and i'm not the only one who feels this way. i don't know if it's just something personal or also a side effect of the pandemic. i have some old journals from 2020 to 2022 and every time i read them, i realize i was really struggling, mostly because of the lockdown and family issues. i still have problems at home, and i think that's one of the main reasons why i really want to move out soon.

today i fell asleep around noon and woke up at like 7 pm. yeah my sleep schedule is fucked up, but i don't really mind the night life. obviously it's a terrible habit, but i don't have any sleeping meds at the moment and i need to get back on treatment. some things i've been doing these days: i wake up, turn on my computer, sometimes edit my blog a bit, watch youtube videos about asian cooking (i rarely cook), make tea, and sometimes voice chat with my friends on discord. then the hours pass and i end up staying up until the next morning. not a very productive routine, especially for a 19 year old.

truth is, starting change is really hard for me. people often tell me i should take the initiative and change my habits, and they're right. but it's always been hard. not because i don't want to change things, but because it just doesn't come easy to me. i know i need help. sometimes even going to the grocery store is difficult. i'll be going back to therapy soon.

but changing the subject a bit, i'm happy i'm being consistent with this. i've been putting a lot of effort and love into the blog, and honestly, it's looking really cute (ʃƪᵕωᵕ) i want to have a way to document not just my life, but also my growth. i'll try to keep writing regularly about whatever comes to mind.