i woke up kinda early today and i've had a migraine since yesterday. i hate it, but it's pretty normal for me. i've had migraines for years and it's honestly hell, i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i took paracetamol but it never works, the only solution is taking something stronger and i don't have any right now.
but anyway, aside from that, on saturday i finally left the house after many days. i went to the mall with my grandma and my brother, and we played at family park (a small amusement park). i had a really good time! after playing, we went to get ice cream (yay) and then we headed home. we got back around 7 pm and i hadn't slept since midnight the night before, so yeah, i was up for a lot of hours and completely exhausted. i went to bed and fell asleep immediately. the bad part is, i woke up a few hours later and couldn't fall asleep again, so i ended up staying awake until the next day. again.
yesterday i helped my dad with some stuff and by the afternoon i was feeling super drained, so i laid down and took a nap. i woke up during the night and fell asleep again until i woke up today at 5 am. i don't know if i'll be able to stay awake during the day, i've been feeling really bad from the migraine and i'm nauseous. my dad gave me some candy and it's the only thing that made me feel a little better :( obviously it didn't fix anything, but at least they taste good.
it's already june and as winter gets closer, lana just wants to curl up with me and stay warm. every time she curls up she looks like a cinnamon roll that purrs. my room is especially cold since the sun doesn't hit my window, so having her with me is like having a tiny heater every time i go to bed. i love her so much!!
i've been thinking about how the pandemic affected me in many ways. one of the most noticeable ones is my poor social skills. i've always been a little shy, but i'm really bad at talking. even so, i enjoy meeting new people and making friends, even if there's always this little fear that they'll think i'm boring and i don't know what to talk about. but despite that, i've managed. i've made some friends lately and they're actually really cool.
i also tend to feel kinda stuck in time. i know it sounds weird, but sometimes i feel like even though i'm practically an adult, i don't really feel like one. maybe it happens to a lot of people and i'm not the only one who feels this way. i don't know if it's just something personal or also a side effect of the pandemic. i have some old journals from 2020 to 2022 and every time i read them, i realize i was really struggling, mostly because of the lockdown and family issues. i still have problems at home, and i think that's one of the main reasons why i really want to move out soon.
today i fell asleep around noon and woke up at like 7 pm. yeah my sleep schedule is fucked up, but i don't really mind the night life. obviously it's a terrible habit, but i don't have any sleeping meds at the moment and i need to get back on treatment. some things i've been doing these days: i wake up, turn on my computer, sometimes edit my blog a bit, watch youtube videos about asian cooking (i rarely cook), make tea, and sometimes voice chat with my friends on discord. then the hours pass and i end up staying up until the next morning. not a very productive routine, especially for a 19 year old.
truth is, starting change is really hard for me. people often tell me i should take the initiative and change my habits, and they're right. but it's always been hard. not because i don't want to change things, but because it just doesn't come easy to me. i know i need help. sometimes even going to the grocery store is difficult. i'll be going back to therapy soon.
but changing the subject a bit, i'm happy i'm being consistent with this. i've been putting a lot of effort and love into the blog, and honestly, it's looking really cute (ʃƪᵕωᵕ) i want to have a way to document not just my life, but also my growth. i'll try to keep writing regularly about whatever comes to mind.
